16th July 15:32 Monday

The book club Hoxton..

Waiting to meet a man about selling some Art..

Sadness due to memories of living here, dying here, leaving here..

Once I was in wales this place became a distant worn out page of a torn up book..when I return it all comes flooding back

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Thursday 12th July 8:06am

Greggs Pride hill watching the homeless . 1hour early for dentist appointment .

Last night went well. PC and no booze. Say there sewing and letting others drink. The smell of wine was enough..

Increasingly enjoying the peace that I can create around me. I don’t have to react to everything. Turning thoughts in my mind like shining pennies

Aberystwyth

Tuesday evening 23:25

Started making an entry the other day but it deleted itself..grrrr

Aberystwyth today in my pink jeep with mum . A visit to the Art school open day at the University.

They were so welcoming and it was as if it were meant to be..

It was so thrilling , sitting in the lecture theatre listening to a lecture, going round the print room , talking to the postgrad students.. the sea view, the black and white tiled floors . A skeleton in the closet.

It was too perfect.

Mum was impressed too

We had chips on the seafront

It’s a beautiful place

Then a drive home and the anticlimax.

A sudden low in spirit. Even a run could not stave it off.. it just made the step down easier.

The decision to complete my education popped into my head with such a relief . (PHD), but the decision cuts and kills all other possibilities. Relationship, family, alcoholism. Scared stuff

By the way the holiday in Spain was great! I drove on the other side, but firstly to be amongst friends was awesome ..

Max died whilst I was away. Oscar has been affected, mum cry’s and still I have not had it affect me..

00:13 oh oh thirteen

So I am all about “altered carbon” my new website went up And I quit cleaning the spar..

Can my mom really be coming around to my strange attitude?

I think so but it’s been a whole wake up call

Fundamentally this blog has to retain and mention an artistic and directional aspect.

In that vein, Pat’s piece is on point!

All sketches being realised in stitch through a printing style process on schedule, the artistic integrity has not been compromised in any negligible way.

The only problem is time itself, a block knocking wall of thing, only penetranle by means or by drugs

22:15 16dec

Bronko died this morning, under the vets needle…. he was a good boy but old and “cancered”… I payed my last respects to him while he breathed, but wish now that I’d lingered in his company. You see I didn’t finish work until 11 pm that night

I snuck into S’s house with a key given to me and then left on his table… there he was as serene as Jesus, lying on the leather sofa , his head slightly off the edge of the seat a paw each side , a smile like the Mona Lisa… no real indication of pain except for his heavy breathing.. I knelt before him on the Lino and kissed his head. He was like a tiny Aslan, I really loved that dog as much as you can love somebody else’s

Reality is such a vain hallucination…

every relationship has been oil on water… only my inability to designate borders creates the problem. God the only way to create character is to have your buttons pushed……

But anyway karma strolls around

Dear Bronko ,

You were as good as any human

There was not quizz about your desires…

An apple a day (for real)

A square meal

A paddle in the river

A play with your pals

Square up to a tennis ball

And all the lovely time you could have with daddy, the best friend

22:48 sat 13 jan

Jaws 2 on telly .. gold

Many wines

Some fags…. amys

Back to jaws2 , pitot has showed signs of slowing down so stop work til the morrow. Then all phone calls and works spark up for next week

Today was mine and me and mother fell out over it, what with her askin for favours and my early embibing we came at a crossroads of sensibility

father ted

Jan 10 22:20

Just finished work for the evening..another day of cleaning and driving around in my Nisan micra.

I’m doing “the ragged trousered philanthropists” on audiobook.. I’m ingesting rather than reading literature.. it’s a very interesting tombe… I’m also doing “the toad to Wigan pier ” without looking too hard I guess they are written around the same time

Edwardians and later..

Har har the road to Wigan pier.. the spelling suggestions of these computer contraptions would have us all in prison

The suprisingest thing is that Inoticed a blog reader today

I’m not gonna name itz zelf but zho would be readin me blog let alone likin it…

How on ciber earth can I reveal my whole humanity if I have an actual audience..

All future posts will be censored…all true revelations will be on paper. Saw mum kicking out a typewriter..s’mine

I am playing with the notion that this 3 storey house is a “mall” if you like, an internal village, each room an arena of productivity, each hallway or stair a road…

We are lucky to be the only inhabitants (me&mum) and of course the downstairs animals (max, Salem, Oscar)

Who has looked at my blog???

Is it really my time to build up a picture through words?

I have such resistance to this notion, because of my love for paint, drawing, carving, sculpture,and all other ways of describing the world

Forgot music…I love music , but hate its instomatic affect on my sensibility.

This time I shall use music on the people, not let music change my ways by the mere hearing of it…

Do you understand? Dear reader …

I miss Paul hunwick

10th jan 18;08

Strange dreams last few days.. trump with fleas coming out of his mouth..can’t remember the others.

A lethargy or enursiure when it comes to writing ..

busy at work..lots of driving …

Phenybut trials have started…

too early to say if it works but I have the idea about a type of anxiety that I’m going through that makes doing still stuff so difficult…. I hope I’ve found the answer to it..