7:30 am oct 31

My resting heart rate is 70 bpm . Not very fit . Probably why I’m pink in the face a lot.

Woke from an increasingly rare sex dream. Sexual desire is something increasingly only present in my subconscious. I live in a world of no opportunity and failing interest. I look middle aged ….

In my dream I was chasing some totty via the mobile phone , with the same phone anxiety (not able to use keys and no signal). Paul is the totty.

In the dream I’m in Welshpool around a house on an estate and in a Tudor shopping centre all musty with piles high of hoarded mustering stuff., trying persuade totty to service me, almost getting there only to fail , through phone failure, then again through horrible behaviour.

Oh well just a dream… I was watching hoarders last night before, and to induce sleep.

Shall I have a wank this morning, just to clear the air? My bright pink rabbit has just been lying next to my pillow for weeks , unused….

2 mind later …achieved… I wonder as I attempt whether I will be able to put together a little porn show in my head … I can… still a little life in the old dog.

Best get up now and face the day.. Oscar gets his heart pills . I get the vets bill. I will also need heart pills after that.

It’s 7:52

It’s 10:42…

I’ve pulled over in a lay-by before seeing my first client. Just filled with petrol in llansillin…

A man crossed the street in front of my car as I was tootling through the village, and for a moment it looked like he was wearing heels. It was just the design of his trainers but momentarily thrilling.

My mind is having a little wander as I do my daily functions as I catch it with my consciousness I’m creating an internal dialogue for a moment everything becomes crystal clear. I’m able to forgive myself and be a better guide to myself.

I would like to start some big crazy paintings.. reel off 100 ohp drawings , to project and work on … its gonna be all action. Yes and I’m gonna drink while I do em’ and hopefully have a fag or two. It’s the best way to do it .

I admire and love Freud, bacon, Picasso, but I am not them I am me and I’m going to do what I know best. Big and on canvas with lots of lovely paint ….h

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For fucks sake…

Friday 27 Oct, third time try to make entry on this thing

Dog is sick

Dreamt about fashion and art

Oct 25 hotrocks…

In bed… naughty

Just had chat with mum about stuff..

he did

when I was a child ,

put his tongue in my mouth and press his naked willy up against me. Rubbing it up and down my self. I was repulsed . I was 7 he was in his late 30’s it was the ultimate limit for me . He bought me a packet of rollo toffeees next time we met(which I took and ate) but I avoided him , ever since that occasion . Dodging any other potential moment where he could with his poor impulse control pounce..

I wonder now whether my assailant was a simpleton . He must have been

Like max who absentmindedly nearly squashed a small dog this morning with his dominance seeking dry hump of a de balled beast….shy at home but wild outdoors

I’ve been offered a job… in pricing it up…yeah ..so what… I’m an artist and I can price up a job.. I don’t need to esplain

Lists….

1.cats

2.dogs3

3.dogs2

4.sterling

5.ukikas doll

6. Geary’s gallery

7.lizzy neal’s school of at

In the other weeks guardian there was an interview of Liam Gallagher where he described Love as “ knowing who you are,then knowing what you can’t accept “ …it really got me thinking…

Ive got to look up that interview

I mean love is about resiprosity …right?

7am Monday 16 oct

Dreamt of dark interior type paintings. School rooms and s&I’m gear exposing buttox…. Grayson perry had a love child with a black man…

I ascended to the ceiling to spin like an acrobat

Dark streets dark interiors dark paintings.

S has been gone for days since I blocked his number.. maybe I will get something back now..it’s a good thing . Although I miss him a bit , I’m free of a psychic attack.

I’m house sitting for Richard . Yesterday his cat paralysedca baby bunny that we nursed until it died, hoping that it would live somehow.. the day before that was apple pressing day at the workhouse , some worms came out for the day … it’s good to catch up with unhappy exes knowing that the misery that they created in my life went with them into their next…I trophy of learning hard lessons , had I believed in myself perhaps I wouldn’t have had to relearn them but I didn’t so there you go….

maybe I’m ready to settle down now

Wed night 11;35

It’s 11 oct I’m 3rd long (and last) drink into a bottle of cheap red that I’d promised not to start in “stoptober”….there is so much to write about.. there’s last weekend where I drove to London to the frieze art fair , shagged an old man and got lost on the way home cramming an audiobook on mindfulness by that yanky wax dudess…

God talk about cray on…

So tonites bitch is a loan (again) to fix “S” poor problem , oh and some silly in and out of working for the Crays /totally working the cray thing…

Oscars ears are bad , well his ear is bad and so that is my baby’s plight…Tony is texting dog ear advice…

And now that I’ve done some wine I wanna do all kinds of flashback shit..

I started work today at 10 @ Lisa house .. she is the one person that I can truly confess to , about the old guy thing …then went to KC for house cleaning and didn’t get fired , just redirected … I’m not to take £ for cleaning his house but take the same £ to clean my own.. i.e. Where momma is..

Books done on audible recently….

1. Agnes grey…😍

2.we need to talk about Kevin..😍

3.some non fiction books about self help and mental people

Then there is the other stuff

…..

Wrdnesday6:38am

Just woke up .. juicy dream…

Was making art in a crazy youthful way , painting , cuts , stencils… good musical soundtrack breakbeats , crazy yurt like dwelling.. a collage in film of the word “pornography’ without using any porn or even the word porn, in fact using the word popcorn , said filmed and cut up,

A film which included a madonna video , a figure in the corner of the window drapes turns from a curtain to a swan to a woman in s&m gear , straddled , somehow retaining a tree trunk like limb to the leg, a hawthorn type of tree like undulating twisting rootlike leg

A nazi scene with pimped up bmx bikes with dildos for handle bars all in military green, all nazi s&m army in military green and gimp masks(it’s a madonna video)

A sexy dance in silhouette lit through the legs .

And I’m there as a youth doing some crazy art with cut outs projections and all that….

My brain is definitely trying to wake me up

That was a dream I just had…I am been given art dreams by my brain at the moment, I am not drunk or stoned in any way, it is a blessing a gift that my mind works on without me.

If anything were to be true , let it be that I am a real artist and not just a bum… let it be that my conscious mind all full of fear and doubt be wrong and like a bad husband trying to veil his beautiful wife . That my true artist beautiful inner wife be set free …:from now until I die

Got a cheeky text off a plummer last night did not reply well you can’t fuck everybody’s husbands can you…

It’s not the fucking that’s the problem it’s the saying goodbye the entanglement that is the problem. The time wasted when could be making art , the spent ego ….

But feeling horny is such a good buzz …

7:27am had a wank.. having done that for ages. Sex is important to me and I don’t get any . S and I don’t do it , it makes me very angry with him , I can’t see him as a real relationship because of it . This was a good wank, easy to cum nice visuals . Nothing too nasty just the thought of vanilla Herron fucking. Perhaps the Plummer has woke up my yoni