7:30 am oct 31

My resting heart rate is 70 bpm . Not very fit . Probably why I’m pink in the face a lot.

Woke from an increasingly rare sex dream. Sexual desire is something increasingly only present in my subconscious. I live in a world of no opportunity and failing interest. I look middle aged ….

In my dream I was chasing some totty via the mobile phone , with the same phone anxiety (not able to use keys and no signal). Paul is the totty.

In the dream I’m in Welshpool around a house on an estate and in a Tudor shopping centre all musty with piles high of hoarded mustering stuff., trying persuade totty to service me, almost getting there only to fail , through phone failure, then again through horrible behaviour.

Oh well just a dream… I was watching hoarders last night before, and to induce sleep.

Shall I have a wank this morning, just to clear the air? My bright pink rabbit has just been lying next to my pillow for weeks , unused….

2 mind later …achieved… I wonder as I attempt whether I will be able to put together a little porn show in my head … I can… still a little life in the old dog.

Best get up now and face the day.. Oscar gets his heart pills . I get the vets bill. I will also need heart pills after that.

It’s 7:52

It’s 10:42…

I’ve pulled over in a lay-by before seeing my first client. Just filled with petrol in llansillin…

A man crossed the street in front of my car as I was tootling through the village, and for a moment it looked like he was wearing heels. It was just the design of his trainers but momentarily thrilling.

My mind is having a little wander as I do my daily functions as I catch it with my consciousness I’m creating an internal dialogue for a moment everything becomes crystal clear. I’m able to forgive myself and be a better guide to myself.

I would like to start some big crazy paintings.. reel off 100 ohp drawings , to project and work on … its gonna be all action. Yes and I’m gonna drink while I do em’ and hopefully have a fag or two. It’s the best way to do it .

I admire and love Freud, bacon, Picasso, but I am not them I am me and I’m going to do what I know best. Big and on canvas with lots of lovely paint ….h

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