Thursday nov 30 9:09am

3 days ago I saw 2 herons rising from the river during my morning dog walk. I kept forgetting to mention it as I am lazy to write and low in motivation… the omen such a sighting might portent ridiculous in this horrible postmodern world

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Sat 25 nov 10:49

On dog walk

They don’t call it fall for nothin

Woke up feeling friendless

Dreamt that I was to become a pirate. Not a swashbuckling Jonny depp but a person about to get wet from sitting in a small hand made row boat handed over by a white bearded retiring pirate. I was searching for waterproof trousers and aware of a potential toilet issue by not choosing a jumpsuit…. go figure…my pirate duties were initially quite simple, I was to wait in my little boat til the other pirates came back from the pub , and was to keep my eyes peeled for smugglers or other pirates who also assumed a low key appearance. I was stationed in some kind of gravely puddle in what appeared to be a railway siding. Also London canal system was in the dream.

I have always had rescue ring dreams of the sea flowing tidal water…

When mum is away the place is instantly a mess, but today I have to go to the workshop.

Just met neighbors that hav been causing my mental strife and on speaking with them I realise that my anguish has been all my own doing.

I am mad and broken in the head like a smashed mirror . The only thing that works, by quirk is my artistic eye…

anyway…

I was at the posh house as I do, on a Friday eve cleaning . I like going there because the mans dead father was an artist. His paintings hang all over the big 150 year old pile of bricks..lots of pics of his wife, family holidays in the sun on the beach, hot summer days in the garden of said pile… and some early sculptures…and even a self portrait of him looking ever the distainful Stalin.

He did not believe in working from photographs… I guess that when you are born into a big pile and have the luxury of slow time you can afford such notions… I do enjoy looking at his work though it makes 2 hours work turn into 3… and I just imagine him looking all crazy and intense with his easel primed for the scummy bikini season as the collection demonstrates. There are lovely landscapes though and ink drawings like look like handwriting exercises

These are really posh people you can tell because they live in a certain type of decay with no skills to rectify

I am listening to Stephen fry doing the Greek myths in Mythos

Friday 24th nov 11:15

Yesterday was shameful shambles after too much alcohol the night before. The thing that gets me is that I don’t remember whether I actually went into the old new inn or not but woke up with the Bar mans face in my mind. His plaited beard with 2 beads dangling like dolls bollocks. Was I there? Oh the shame!!

Well the first of the money has come through for the big piece . No going back now …

I’m in a low patch though. Is it lack of day light. It gets dark by 5pm… boredom in work?

Just met woman on road she give me money for dog portraits, so just gotta keep saving up to pay bills

It’s 5pm. One cleaning job today then the Xmas fair in high street. Saw the sparky down there. Funny how you can fuck someone then hate them….

One more job before the weekend starts….

We’d 11:00am 22nov

Elsagate

Weird cartoon shit for kids

Mum realised what gonzo meant…finally

Want to write but have Cleaning to do first at cae uchaf…

Wank in car yesterday… what does it mean?

Aubile play list includes….the bible( David suche)… mythos(Steven fry)…the gulag archipelago part 3…Dostoyevsky, notes from the underground…William Wallis biography….

Tuesday 21 nov 10:20 am

Weird dream… a child in the London Underground turns into a huge spreading gelatinous octopus tentacles pushing and inflating through the underground tunnels with a child’s head on top of the fleshy body… the the tentacles get crushed and chopped up in the escalators

Followed by drunken roaming of London streets looking for S who is

Sunday 18th nov

15:43 just hangin round til 4:30 when I have to leave the 3 dog house in Llanfihangel… leaving dog portrait on the table.

I’ve been in a shit mood for days now. Triggered by new neighbors and their 2 stupid sport cars that now compromise my already compromised idil…

Walking four little dogs by pontllogel river today.. Egbert and smudge disappear into the bushes, and I am calling them. We meet a couple of men obviously a man and his father with their two bigger dogs a collie and some kind of fancy husky type. As Betty bounds out of the woods all tiny and cute the father comments “from the sublime to the ridiculous ” what the fuck the sublime thing was I don’t know but the ridiculous bit was aimed at Betty. I sneered at him, and on returning to the car park I scrawled” stupid old man” in the dirt of his car…

pathetic

Me that is

I’ve just been feeling so bent out of shape….hating everyone ….petulant

I have been YouTubing Jordan b Peterson as suggested by my Spar college.. very good. Just the ticket

I need some time off to get on with my own stuff…

Saturday20:39

S came out of hospital this morning. A slight kidney infection… I just wish he would sort his life out..

I painted a picture of cats when I finally got to the studio. I do like painting…. it’s so relaxing

The commission is going ahead and Becca has offered to help.. all proceeds are going to mum..

Friday night 10 nov

S went off in an ambulance leaving me with Bronko. He’s having some kind of breakdown and kidney pains due to alcohol abuse (apparently). I called his family so that the burden was shared. He was threatening suicide … I was at a loss . Maintaining an emotional distance guarding my wallet…

It’s all so fucked up and I was party to it all. I feel great shame. Here I am pretending that I am without guilt , that it was not me staggering around drunken..

off he went all alone in the ambulance, just like when mum did… I feel bad